The Rustproofing Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's a killer to realize that your car is middle-aged. And it gets worse when body parts start falling off or fluid starts leaking. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, glen's gonna show us a little more of how to run a business without working, dougie and I talk about what to do when your dog leaves a bit of himself on the carpet, bill and I are gonna take turns being quarterback, and I'm gonna show you how to make a self-washing car. And now here's the reason the great outdoors is still a dangerous place, my uncle, red green! Red: Thank you. And here's the reason the indoors is a dangerous place, my nephew, harold. [ sawing ] boy, oh, boy. Big challenge up at the lodge this week. Moose thompson took his truck in to be repainted. Now, usually, we just paint the vehicles ourselves, but, apparently, the last time we did it, we didn't clean up too well, and -- and all of the paint rollers were stuck in the trees still. Uncle red, nothing personal, you know, but painting vehicles is a professional trade. I mean, you guys leave fingerprints all over the place. You paint the windows, you paint the mirrors. You just can't do it right. Well, harold "do-right," a professional paint job costs 500 bucks. We can do it for $30. That means we can paint our vehicles every season and still come out ahead. How do you paint a vehicle for $30? The paint costs more than that. Well, the 30 bucks is for the beer. We steal the paint. Oh, I knew there was a reason all the vehicles around here are the same color as the fire hall! I knew it. Anyway, when moose went to see "the professionals," they found a lot of rust in his truck. A guy with a grinder -- he started working out there. He fell in through the front wheel well and come out through the tailgate. That's 'cause of all the salt they put on the highways up here in the winter. Yeah. Yeah, and if table salt can do that to a truck, can you imagine what it does to your body, a human body, or even that body? That's sodium chloride. Highway crews use calcium chloride, which is anhydrous and creates a liquid base that actually has a freezing point less than that of water. Well, harold, we don't care what's causing the problem. We just want a solution. Oh, well, well that would be an aqueous solution. Is there a retroactive abortion available anywhere? Anyway, the bunch of us are gonna put our heads together and figure out some way we can rustproof all of our vehicles for under 50 bucks. Well, I think I'll just stay out of the way. That ought to give us a good start. [ zip! ] it's not often you'll find this kind of show at these kind of prices. [ chuckles ] and there's a reason for that. [ drumming, guitar plays ] ♪ there's no excuse, but here comes moose ♪ ♪ and he hasn't got his shirt on ♪ ♪ aah ♪ ♪ like a kodiak with his hairy back ♪ ♪ and a week and a half of dirt on ♪ ♪ ooh ♪ ♪ oh, there's a big roll of fat holds his smokes and that ♪ ♪ it's sure not a sight to please ♪ ♪ unh-unh ♪ ♪ I'm also told that one of his rolls ♪ ♪ holds his wallet and his snowmobile keys ♪ ♪ oh, there's all his tattoos out there to view ♪ ♪ some of them are really groovy ♪ ♪ and it's really neat when he walks down the street ♪ both: ♪ it's like being at a drive-in movie ♪ [ creaking ] well, she warned you about that dog, but you told her time and time again, "honey, relax. The dog is housebroken." and now there's a soft, steaming treat lying on her favorite antique rug that would tend to contradict that statement. Man, that's funny, you know? Them dogs always find the most expensive bit of flooring to do their business on. I think it's like birds flying south -- it's pure instinct. Absolutely. All right, the first step -- you got to take the modus operandi of the dog, get that outside, open up all the windows, and, if you can, salvage the rug. Absolutely. Now, if you can't salvage the rug, rearrange the furniture a little bit and, uh, try and cover that tragedy up. And don't skimp on the air freshener. Absolutely not. Now, if, however, she knows what's going on, well, just tell her, "honey, the dog is out in the truck. [ voice breaking ] "I could not forgive fido "for doing that unforgivable thing on your favorite carpet. "so I have no alternative but to drive him down myself... And have him put to sleep." now, this is a tactic can only be used by a professional, all right? We call this "puppy poker," all right? Of course you're bluffing, but you got to play the hand. And if you really want to up the ante, tell the kids. Now, this might seem like emotional blackmail, but we are talking about a dog here -- man's best friend. The stakes are as high as you can get! Hopefully, she'll fold, she'll throw her arms around fido, pull him off of death row. But if she calls your bluff, you stand a chance to lose your self-respect and your favorite frisbee fetcher. Well, this is where plan "b" kicks in. You zip into town, buy her a dog, one of them soft, cuddly ones, looks like mop. You know the ones. Kind of like a cat in a dog suit? Those are the guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let her experience the joy of owning her own pet, the unbridled companionship, the undeniable affection. Yeah, and hopefully when there's another mess in the house, there's a 50% chance her dog done it. [ ducks quacking ] well, with everybody painting their car up at the lodge this week, I thought I'd take "handyman corner" and show you how you can prevent your car from aging, weathering, rusting, and generally looking filthy all the time by showing you how to build a self-contained automatic power washer that'll keep your car continuously clean. All right. Now, the first thing you're gonna need to make this unit are some sprinklers. I would recommend you use sprinklers. And, you know, you can get sprinklers pretty cheap from your neighbors' lawn while they're in bed. Now what you want to do is to mount these various sprinklers right onto the vehicle. You can use rivets for that, or you can weld them on there. Or if you work for the government, you probably have time to sit and magnetize them. But I'm gonna use the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. [ duct tape creaking ] now, you're gonna need a source of water, one that moves along with the car, because it is a mobile wash, isn't it? And, you know, we have a source just like that right here... The water pump and radiator. Now if we could just think of a way to tap into them... There we go. All right. Let's give our mobile car wash a try. [ door creaks ] [ engine turns over ] [ engine revs ] uh, all right, all right, all right. See, okay, okay. [ laughs ] we don't have an unlimited supply of water here. You didn't think of that, did you, you know? So, uh, what we have to do is we have to, of course, recycle the water in the system by, uh -- by recycling it. And, uh, here's what you have to do to solve that one. You got to measure the exact perimeter of the whole car, and then you get exactly that same length in eaves troughing. 1, 2, 3, 4... ...26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32. Perfect. [ straining ] real glad I didn't use rivets or bolts when I put this up last year. Now we'll get this down and we'll hook this all up to the car, right around the whole outside of her, using rivets or bolts or...That's right. Nothing lasts forever, except an italian wedding. Now, this might take me a while to get her all down and hooked up, so why don't we get back to the show and I'll come and find you when I got her all done? Stay tuned. I got some advice for you middle-aged guys about playing cards, and then bill's gonna go long -- probably too long. I want to talk to you middle-aged guys about something that's gonna happen to you. Now, you may try denial for a while, you know, buying a toupee or two-sided tape or a two-seater car. But no matter what you do, sooner or later, it's gonna happen, and when it does, you'll know you're over the hill. Now, it may happen next week or next month, but eventually -- that's right -- someone's gonna invite you over to play bridge. I know. I know. Don't be alarmed. Playing bridge is a natural part of the aging process. Your parents had to deal with it, and now that you're old, you have to face it. Don't fight it. Just go with it. Bridge is not that bad of a game. There's no loud music, and you don't have any kids whining at you for their allowance or the car keys. Plus, you're playing with people your own age, so they'll be just as bored as you are. And you don't want to be alone at our age. Bridge is a lot better than solitaire. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ metal creaking ] well, uh, the rustproofing scheme is more or less moving forward. You know, we always turn to nature when we're looking for inspiration, and old man sedgwick pointed out that beehives don't rust, so we've all covered our vehicles with honey. Um, excuse me, uncle red. There's no metal in beehives. That's why they don't rust. Well, where were you, harold? That could have made a difference. Uncle red, are you telling me that the possum van is covered in honey now? No, it's covered in flies now. Oh, well, that should make for an interesting look. Usually they're just all over the grill. Well, consider this -- you're no longer just leader of the possum lodge. You're lord of the flies. Wa-a-a-a! Yeah? Well, harold, you're lord of the flaws. Give me a hand here, will you? Okay. So, how are you gonna get all the honey off the van? Well, I thought I'd just drive it out into the woods and let the bears lick it off. But then moose thompson offered to do it for me. The driving or the licking? Well, he didn't ask for the keys. [ creaking ] and I got our whole mobile-car-wash unit all hooked up here. It looks pretty good, I think. I got the eaves trough running right around the whole outside of the car, which collects all the water. And then I got this pipe here to suck her up and take her back into the water pump. So, she is now 100% self-contained. And here's another little rig I added all on my own. It's a hose running up over the top here. Got some holes cut in there, 'cause I'm saying to myself, "heck, you're washing your car anyway. Why not give her a hot wax?" got the hot exhaust coming out of the pipe here into the jar of car wax, and then she's sucked up this pipe, goes up over the car, comes out the little holes in a fine mist all over the car, protecting the finish. Let's give her a try. Oh. [ grunts ] [ engine turns over ] all right, sprinklers off. Hot wax on. [ wax sloshing ] now, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Here's this week's boating tip with glen braxton. Thank you, red. Uh, first of all, I'd like to say hi to everybody down at the cardiac care unit. It's been 17 days and no problems. Wow. You had a heart attack 17 days ago? Oh, no, red, no, no. Uh, 17 days ago, I ate a dozen burritos and had chest pains for a couple weeks, and then, boom, they were gone, which is kind of a historical moment. Yeah. Anyway, that brings me to today's, uh, boating tip, which is, in fact, some boating history, red. Uh-huh. Uh...Inside the bucket. Water? Well, possum lake water, which comes close. And? Oh, yeah, there's a golf ball in there. Yeah. See, down at the possum ski and country club, they have, uh, water traps, and the water traps are full of perfectly preserved golf balls. Well, now, there's a great boating tip. Thank you, glen. No, red. The water protects them from the elements. The water preserves the golf balls and keeps it perfect under the water. Oh. That's what the sailors used to do in, uh, hudson bay in the winter. Went golfing? No, red. No, they -- they'd sink their boats and then they'd refloat them in the spring, and when they came up, they were in better shape than they were if they had been exposed to the elements all winter. Oh. So, you're saying we should all sink our boats to stop them from getting wrecked. No, red. If your boat gets wrecked, right, and it sinks... Yeah. ...Chances are you're gonna find a better one in better shape free at the bottom of the lake. Right. Well, now, that is an excellent boating tip. Thank you, glen braxton. You know, maybe we should do that with our vehicles -- uh, drop them to the bottom of the lake and, uh, stop them from rusting, huh? Yeah, go ahead. Uh, just don't put them near the marina. No. People wouldn't be able to tell them from your boats. Another bit of a football feature on the show this week. Bill's gonna -- somebody told me bill didn't have the balls to play football, but that is obviously not correct. And this week, he thought he'd concentrate, uh, on the quarterbacking, the -- the throwing, so what he's done there is he's hung a tire from the goalpost, and the idea is to step back a few feet and try and throw the ball, uh, through the hole in the tire, which, uh, sounds a lot, uh, easier than it -- hmm. Oh, well. Now, you know, uh, one of the biggest commodities you have in your life, of course, is your time. You know how they say that one year in a dog's life is equivalent to, I believe, seven years in the life of a human? Well, I can tell you one hour with bill is like seven years of a dog's life. So, I'm standing there watching my life go by while my dogs are killing me. And bill has no chance of doing what's right. [ boing! ] getting closer. Maybe, uh -- maybe I should give this a try. What do you think, bill? Bill? No? All right. What do you want me to do? Okay, I'm gonna -- oh, okay, okay. Do a bit of a pass play here. I'm gonna sn-- what are you doing? What are you doing, bill? What is that? What is that? Oh, a towel -- a towel. He wants -- oh, my gosh. He's seen those games where they have the -- oh, the center has the towel so he can wipe -- oh, bill, bill, bill, bill. Can we go, bill? Can we go now? Give me that. Give me that. [ whistle! ] your hands are fine. All right, snap the ball up to bill and, uh, head out on my pattern. Kind of -- oh, oh. [ groans ] sorry, bill. Let me snap again. Snap again. Oh. Bill, you got to -- bill, you -- oh. [ groans ] oh, my goodness. I'm in the 2-minute warning. I'm on the pass play. I'm on the -- come on, bill. Toss it. Come on, I'm wide open. Bill, I'm wide open. I smell touchdown. Can't you grab the ball, bill? Soft hands. You got soft hands. Well, you got soft -- soft something. Oh, my gosh. Whoa-oa-oa! Too late, bill. Too late. Too late. Forget it. I'm back. What are you gonna do now? No, no, no, not a hand-off. You -- all right, bill, you crouch down. My turn. I'll be the quarterback. I'll show you how it's done. What's going on? I don't need this stupid towel. [ whistle! ] I got something else I'll dry my hands on. There we go, there we go, there we go, there we go, there we go. Get tough, get tough. Come on, bill. There we go. Hands are all kind of moist now. And out he goes. [ squeak! Squeak! Squeak! ] and...Take her -- go deep, go deep. God, that's a sight to be seen, isn't it? You look good in a skirt, bill. [ pop! ] there you go. That's better. Turn around. Let me drill at you. I got a good arm. Here it comes like a bullet, like a shotgun, like a rifle. Ooh! Oh, my gosh. Oh, he ducked. All right. All right. And then a little wedgie adjustment, and I think we'll get bill back to as normal... [ pop! ] ...As he gets. There you go. That's my man. [ squeak! Squeak! Squeak! ] coming up, I can prove that if you eat enough salt, you will actually rust. And dalton tries to keep a straight face giving you a price. [ sloshing ] well, this "submerging the vehicles for the winter" thing -- I don't think it's gonna work out, so... You know, uncle red, you do not have to take every suggestion somebody gives you. You can say no, too. Harold, if I took every suggestion, you wouldn't be here, believe me. Anyway, we tried the sinking thing with stinky peterson's trabant. We got her down there, and a lot of the stuff floated out from under the seats and, ugh, made our eyes water, killed half a dozen rock bass. You cannot leave his car down there! It's an environmental hazard. Whereas you're just a mental hazard. We're gonna get the car out of there. That's what the jumper cables are for. [ laughs ] uncle red, it's not gonna start underwater. Why don't you just pull it out with a chain? Did you also consider, you know, you can lighten the car's load if you wind up all the windows and fill it full of air from a bicycle pump? Yep, that's exactly what we're doing here. It won't work. [ laughs ] 'cause stinky's sunroof is stuck open. You do not take enough time to think things through. [ laughs ] you're right, harold. I'm gonna take two hours right now. I'm gonna plan every detail on this. Excellent. I'll be lying on your bed. [ tires screech, crashing ] [ horn honks ] red: You know how they say there's a place for everything and everything in its place? And here we are out by the main highway at the everything place, dalton humphries' store. Dalton, people might drive by this place and assume that it was a junkyard. Well, you know, red, one man's junk is another man's objet d'art. [ laughs ] now, what do you think this is, huh? I would call that "scrap metal." yeah, yeah, to you and me, maybe, but to someone from the city, that's a precious little decorator accent that just oozes charm and history -- 30 bucks' worth of charm and history. No kidding. Yeah. Imagine what you'd get if you fixed it and painted her. Hey, why don't you drop this by the lodge later on. We'll slap a coat of paint on that while we're doing our cars. It's a lot of work there, you know? You just can't paint metal. You got to scrape all the rust off. You want to do that with your cars, too. Otherwise, the rust just comes right through. Oh, man, that's a lot of work. Yeah, yeah. Well, see, I'm not gonna do it to that piece, 'cause that would ruin its value. It has to be in unrestored condition. This is how dalton gets people from the city to come up here and give him all kinds of money for junk. You know, I know every item in my inventory. I know what it costs. I know where it is. When a customer asks, I know what to show them, what to charge for them, and how to keep a straight face. [ laughs ] you know, you're trying to sell a guy a broken shovel for 60 bucks. I mean, you try not to laugh. [ laughs ] pick something out outside. I'll show you. [ laughs ] oh, here we go, here we go. There. How about that? Well, sir, you certainly have an eye for quality. This is, uh, an antique handmade wooden sled, grade one. Made in, um, stoke-on-trent, England, in 1890-'91 and imported by the smithersby toy company of winnipeg. This is, uh -- this is the deluxe model, I believe, very rare and much admired by the cognoscenti. Well, where -- where are the runners? Where's the handle? Where's the back? Where's the -- the sled? This is in original, unrestored condition, and at an auction, this would fetch upwards of...$5,000. I'm willing to let it go, for you, for $3,000. $3,000? Yeah, I should have said... [ laughs ] [ laughing ] I'm laughing. Let me try this... [ laughs ] let me try it again. $3,000. [ creaking ] [ creaking ] harold: Wa-a-a-a! See what happens when you try to do things right? A bunch of us got out the steel brushes and the sandpaper there and tried to get the rust off of stinky's car. Well, it looks like you got most of it. [ creaks ] we got all of it, harold. [ creaks ] the only problem is when the rust dust cleared, there was nothing there but a windshield, four tires, and a fan belt. Well, you should have known stinky's car was pretty far gone. Remember that time he took it through the airport metal detector? Didn't even beep. Wa-a-a! [ creaks ] well, I don't know what else to do with it. I mean, even stinky took the trabant there, got an idea, and put it in one of them giant garbage bags. The garbagemen took it away. That's when it hit us. [ creaks ] [ ding! ] we're spending 100 bucks to rustproof a car worth $50, so the heck with it. [ creaks ] [ screeching ] meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I got to get all this stuff off. I need a magnet or something, I think. And if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm hoping to find you in a romantic mood, as I'm sure I'll be once I get the rust off. [ creaks ] and to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. On behalf of myself and... [ creaks ] ...Harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, until next time, keep your stick on the ice. [ creaking ] [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] harold: Hey, all rise. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red, uh... Seeing as you've got hemorrhoids the size of basketballs... Red: If you'd like to become a member of possum lodge and you got 3 bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-ypossum.